2015 - Channel Malia - personal growth to live consciously

Love

I had more crushes than I could count. And each and every one of them felt like 'love'. Whatever I thought it was at the time was intensified x10. In fact, everything is intensified x10, every aspect of those teenage years.

One particular crush stands out more than others. It was a crush on a teacher that lasted three years and I cringe reading any further. Sifting past some more of the ripped out pages, I go into detail about how his brush past the whiteboard made me feel. How thoughts of him distracted me through final exams. How just seeing him made my entire week. As I am consumed in the passionate mind of that fifteen year old girl I begin to take her seriously. I understand even why I came to think that I was in love and just how much that crush really crushed me.

Me

I sound obnoxious and self-centred. As I read back on a lot of pointless gossip and secrets (oh the secrets!), I feel guilty, as if I'm turning the pages of someone else's diary. I realise how much I have changed as a person, about the way I think, my beliefs and values. The full extent of my naivety is exposed in written words. I kept having to remind myself that these thoughts here in this diary are mine. They were once real and raw.

Friends

You know how I said everything is intensified x10? It gets better here. People seem to matter, what they think, what they say, and even do. I worried a lot about the clothes I was wearing and what people would think. If someone said that I shouldn't do my hair this way or that, I wouldn't. And if all the girls were doing it, I should have to be doing it.

I spent most of my time reading my diary thinking about how carefree I could have been. About how much I worried about nothing compared to the worry-worthy problems I have now as an adult. I spent so much time worrying about how untrendy I would look with the fur coat I ended up slashing with a knife. It was as if I lived with two extreme emotions: I either hated everything or loved everything with so much zeal.

My Mother

My mother is touched upon a lot and I realise just how much our relationship has changed. I'm now able to understand my mother's side of the argument to the point that I found myself mentally arguing with my teenage outpourings.

A funny thing I realise is how our roles have reversed. My mum can no longer tell me that I can't stay out late. Now it's me giving my mum advice and even telling her what not to do.

This piece was inspired by an article I read on the Huffington post about a teacher who asks his students to write a letter to themselves in 20 years time. The teacher then posts these letters to them 20 years later. The results are beautiful.

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Photo Credit: Where's My Bubble

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Love & Appreciation

I have learnt to love. It may seem like a funny thing, how can you never have known how to love? But I have never loved myself and appreciated the things in my life as much as I do now in the height of my yoga practice. Before taking yoga classes I mixed yoga with my usual cardio and strength training routine which meant that it mainly focused on how many calories I can burn and eating clean as my main goal. Exercise gave me the impression that I could only love myself if my legs were buzzing from a high impact workout. With yoga, it is a completely different story. It is not incentivised love. It is unconditional love. No matter how many times I get a pose wrong, I will still love myself and appreciate my health.

Setting the room up at Barefoot Birmingham for Candlelit Yoga

Peace

I have found a kind of peace I've never quite managed before. I have learnt that peace can be found among utter chaos just as happiness can be found even in the most darkest of times. I no longer seek to control my life. Instead I have dared to experiment with what will happen if I just let go. If I let go and allowed myself to run late for an event. If I let go and let my brother play video games for a whole afternoon. If I just let go and allowed myself to laze about on a Sunday afternoon.

I've discovered that there is so much angst in life that we can easily be relieved of if we just let go.

I have trained myself to think 'well what if I didn't do what I think I should do'. I try it, and with that follows a peace I never thought I could have.

Be a child again

Being 22 I've felt forced to pretend to be an adult and shut down the child in me. Yoga has taught me that it is necessary to retain the child in you to be a successful adult. Hello, Child's Pose and Happy Baby (Rock-a-Bye-Roll). I would do other childish poses before taking up yoga classes such as lye on the sofa upside down with my legs in the air looking up at the ceiling and pretend to be walking on the ceiling. I've also always been doing a shoulder stand never realising it was already a yoga pose. I love that yoga lets me be a child again.

I have agonised about not knowing what I was going to be "when I grow up". It turned out I already knew what I wanted to be and that is all the things I am today. It's taught me that my childish aspirations should never been thrown away for a corporate 9-to-5. Yoga lets me be who I already am, not who I should be.

Photo Credit: Carment Moreno

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10 January marked one year of video making fun. Why did I put myself on the internet? Candid blogging is one thing, but videos too? Letting strangers into recesses of my bedroom, my things, my thoughts. Here are nine things I wish I knew before I started.

Be open

I've learnt to be open and let my viewers in. This is how you build a community and people will love to watch you. We love hearing other people's stories.

Editing. Editing. Editing.

All you need to learn to do is cut clips and put them together and there are so many tutorials online on this. Take your time. Cameras, sound effects and lighting may at first seem overwhelming but within weeks you'll be surprised about what you can learn.

Find your niche

My channel begun as a fashion channel but now it's taken a different direction into personal growth, intentional living and minimalism. Don't go in with a genre-specific username unless you're very sure you will keep to that genre. Your name becomes your brand and what people remember you by. If your username is MaliaMusic people will associate you with music.

You don't need a Mac

You can't scroll past an Instagram photo without an apple product being decorated in a flat lay. You don't need to shell out on a £1000 laptop just for its editing software. I know people who use Windows Movie Maker and have a successful YouTube channel.

It's not about how you look

I never click back to my older videos, even some recent ones because a) I hate listening to the sound of my own voice b) I will criticise and pick at myself non-stop. How I look, what I'm wearing. There have been times, and still are times when I log into YouTube determined to take a particular video down and get distracted by the notification bar with a new comment.

You Don't Have to Tell Anyone

I worry about what people think of me often, yes this is coming from a blogger who voluntarily chooses to put her life online. I worried more so what my friends and family would think bu as soon as I started I couldn't wait to share my videos with everyone.

It's Not That Hard

It really isn't. Your first video will be hard. Awkward to be accurate, but it gets easier. You soon find your own rhythm.

I hope this post has helped some of you who are thinking of starting your own channel. You can visit my channel here.

Have no expectations

I dived into YouTube with hopes, expectations, excitement and fears. I expected certain videos to drive a lot of views while others I thought nothing of. Every single one of my expectations were turned around. You just never know what people will love. I know it's hard not to overthink, but upload your first video with the least amount of expectations and presumptions.

You don't need an expensive camera

Practise talking to the camera and watch yourself back a few times. Use your phone or laptop, don't invest in anything expensive as YouTube may end up not being your thing.

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Pages

Love

Me

Friends

My Mother

Love & Appreciation

Peace

Be a child again

Be open

Editing. Editing. Editing.

Find your niche

You don't need a Mac

It's not about how you look

You Don't Have to Tell Anyone

It's Not That Hard

Have no expectations

You don't need an expensive camera

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