2015 - Channel Malia - personal growth to live consciously

Love

I had more crushes than I could count. And each and every one of them felt like 'love'. Whatever I thought it was at the time was intensified x10. In fact, everything is intensified x10, every aspect of those teenage years.

One particular crush stands out more than others. It was a crush on a teacher that lasted three years and I cringe reading any further. Sifting past some more of the ripped out pages, I go into detail about how his brush past the whiteboard made me feel. How thoughts of him distracted me through final exams. How just seeing him made my entire week. As I am consumed in the passionate mind of that fifteen year old girl I begin to take her seriously. I understand even why I came to think that I was in love and just how much that crush really crushed me.

Me

I sound obnoxious and self-centred. As I read back on a lot of pointless gossip and secrets (oh the secrets!), I feel guilty, as if I'm turning the pages of someone else's diary. I realise how much I have changed as a person, about the way I think, my beliefs and values. The full extent of my naivety is exposed in written words. I kept having to remind myself that these thoughts here in this diary are mine. They were once real and raw.

Friends

You know how I said everything is intensified x10? It gets better here. People seem to matter, what they think, what they say, and even do. I worried a lot about the clothes I was wearing and what people would think. If someone said that I shouldn't do my hair this way or that, I wouldn't. And if all the girls were doing it, I should have to be doing it.

I spent most of my time reading my diary thinking about how carefree I could have been. About how much I worried about nothing compared to the worry-worthy problems I have now as an adult. I spent so much time worrying about how untrendy I would look with the fur coat I ended up slashing with a knife. It was as if I lived with two extreme emotions: I either hated everything or loved everything with so much zeal.

My Mother

My mother is touched upon a lot and I realise just how much our relationship has changed. I'm now able to understand my mother's side of the argument to the point that I found myself mentally arguing with my teenage outpourings.

A funny thing I realise is how our roles have reversed. My mum can no longer tell me that I can't stay out late. Now it's me giving my mum advice and even telling her what not to do.

This piece was inspired by an article I read on the Huffington post about a teacher who asks his students to write a letter to themselves in 20 years time. The teacher then posts these letters to them 20 years later. The results are beautiful.

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Photo Credit: Where's My Bubble

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Love & Appreciation

I have learnt to love. It may seem like a funny thing, how can you never have known how to love? But I have never loved myself and appreciated the things in my life as much as I do now in the height of my yoga practice. Before taking yoga classes I mixed yoga with my usual cardio and strength training routine which meant that it mainly focused on how many calories I can burn and eating clean as my main goal. Exercise gave me the impression that I could only love myself if my legs were buzzing from a high impact workout. With yoga, it is a completely different story. It is not incentivised love. It is unconditional love. No matter how many times I get a pose wrong, I will still love myself and appreciate my health.

Setting the room up at Barefoot Birmingham for Candlelit Yoga

Peace

I have found a kind of peace I've never quite managed before. I have learnt that peace can be found among utter chaos just as happiness can be found even in the most darkest of times. I no longer seek to control my life. Instead I have dared to experiment with what will happen if I just let go. If I let go and allowed myself to run late for an event. If I let go and let my brother play video games for a whole afternoon. If I just let go and allowed myself to laze about on a Sunday afternoon.

I've discovered that there is so much angst in life that we can easily be relieved of if we just let go.

I have trained myself to think 'well what if I didn't do what I think I should do'. I try it, and with that follows a peace I never thought I could have.

Be a child again

Being 22 I've felt forced to pretend to be an adult and shut down the child in me. Yoga has taught me that it is necessary to retain the child in you to be a successful adult. Hello, Child's Pose and Happy Baby (Rock-a-Bye-Roll). I would do other childish poses before taking up yoga classes such as lye on the sofa upside down with my legs in the air looking up at the ceiling and pretend to be walking on the ceiling. I've also always been doing a shoulder stand never realising it was already a yoga pose. I love that yoga lets me be a child again.

I have agonised about not knowing what I was going to be "when I grow up". It turned out I already knew what I wanted to be and that is all the things I am today. It's taught me that my childish aspirations should never been thrown away for a corporate 9-to-5. Yoga lets me be who I already am, not who I should be.

Photo Credit: Carment Moreno

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Planning only works with work

Being 22 means my social engagements now have to be scheduled, or better yet, spontaneous. It was so easy as a teenager when you were all lumbered together in the school playground. You saw your friends everyday. Even if you didn't at weekends, it didn't matter because you knew you'd always see them.

Last summer, I had a little reunion with my longest friends from school after 3 years of trying to plan. It was like we were never apart. Then after our long day together, I suggested we meet again. It never happened again. I don't think it ever will.

I am a born planner. I write endless lists and can't function without a diary. That's ok, but planning never works for play. Here's why.

Why you'll never see your friends again

You agree to meet your friends next week. One of you back out nearer the time because of an important deadline or babysitting duties. You agree to re-schedule. At this point either scheduling never happens or you re-schedule and that follows the same fate. You never meet. Why? Because something else is always more important. Think about it, would you miss out on a carer-changing job interview because babysitting duties came in the way or you have an exam to study for? If you can find a way to get around the babysitting duties for your interview then you sure as hell can for your friends. Why is play always pushed aside for duty?

"I'm too busy."

Now this is a line heavily and most unnecessarily overused. You're not really busy. Throughout my very stressful final uni exams and my mother's mental illness I always found time for friends, but friends just never found time for me. That is because our outlook on life is different. There's so much time, even when it looks like there is none. Time can always be found. Simply, try using the word "busy" less and you'll see.

Spontaneity Works

As much as I love planning, I am also a people pleaser. A friend texted me about a student event on my sick day. Twenty minutes later, I was on the bus to meet her all bunged up in my blanket of a coat.

My friends and I were discussing bridesmaid dresses on a WhatsApp group chat. It was Saturday. One of them asked me if I would be free in the evening or "tomorrow". I said yes because that's the truth while the others backed out. That is because we have it drilled into our heads that meeting will need days of planning ahead. We will make excuses in our heads about how "busy" we are that day when actually we're not.

Here's How

Next time you have a free afternoon. Send a text to ask if any of your friends are free. Encourage them to try this method too. It won't always work, but I can guarantee better results than if you tried to plan.

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Though this is a popular product, I couldn't stop myself from making a review here. Especially as I recorded my experience with the mask in real time, it just seemed such a shame not to share my thoughts on one of the most popular drugstore masks.

Face masks are the one skincare product I can change very often without disrupting my skincare routine. A good wind down is never good enough without a mask working away at my face. So on Friday night I pasted on this green mess and here is my mini real time review below.

First Impressions - Packaging, Look, Scent, Texture

It's a tinier pot than what can be imagined in the stock photo and comes in a matte, slightly rubberised white finish that would easily fall prey to dirty hands. Looks very plain and clinical compared to the brand's usually exciting packaging.

As soon as it's opened, a strong minty fresh scent escapes from the pot. Due to it's concentrated consistency, it's definitely not easy to spread over the face. It's like rubbing dry-moist cement onto a dry surface you have to spread carefully and instantly I feel a tingling sensation. I love the feeling of a product working on my skin. It begins to calm down after a few seconds, but I guess that's just the mask working it's magic.

On My Face

I'm tapping this note away on my Evernote app at 11:31pm half an hour into my face mask and I'm feeling a cool tingling. I wear masks well over the recommended time. This is definitely not an uncomfortable face clay mask. Not the ones you have to restrain yourself from smiling or even worse, laughing from. I don't want to get this off I'm enjoying the feeling.

Off My Face - Mask & Peel? What Peel?

Right time to take it of. I've rubbed the product off with my hands instead of a muslin cloth under luke warm water as I knew it wouldn't be too stubborn to lift and the micro-beads would exfoliate my face enough. A lot of reviewers commented on the fact that they were under the impression that it was a peel of mask. It is more of a clay mask to peel hybrid. Though I think what they're trying to sell here is the dead skin peeling off? I'm not quite sure, do let me know in the comments below.

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I've never got on with bras, and for a girl with boobs that are just always in the way a bra is a necessity. It's like having a horrible aunt for a guardian but you know you'll need her till you're old enough to look after yourself. Except, the thought that needing a bra for the rest of my life makes me - and my boobs - feel caged. Pun intended.

In this post I aim to solve common bra problems. I call them common because they really are common. I spent so long believing that I was the only girl in the world with these frustrations, and that I should just learn to get used to bras. That I was an anomaly who'd happened to have missed out on the 'getting used to' period in that tween phase of wearing a dainty training bra in excitement no matter how odd and uncomfortable it felt. I remember getting my first bra and thinking that it was the coolest thing ever. So why had I not 'got used to' wearing a bra? Why was I still in that tween period minus the excitement?

It took me this long to realise that there was no such thing as the 'getting used to' stage. That there are millions of women out there who are itching with frustration to get home and take their bra off first thing. I took to the interweb - as you do - and did a little digging. I have to say, I didn't have to dig much. There are so many women, like me, who hate wearing bras. Many don't sleep with a bra on while others don't wear one at home. Some don't even wear a bra out, but if you're not all for #FreeTheNipple it can feel like there's no alternative.

Though it must also be noted that there are women who don't feel comfortable without wearing a bra.

Let's start by weighing out the stabbing underwires from the jersey bralettes...

Activities I cannot participate in WITHOUT a bra on:

Wear a fitted dress or top.

Walk at a regular pace.

Run up or down the stairs (ooouch).

Gracing the public, because its absolutely blindingly obvious when you are not wearing your bra.

Activities I cannot participate in WITH a bra on:

Blogging

Sleeping

Cooking

Writing

Thinking (intently)

Relaxing

Reading

Watching Netflix

For a long time I thought I was the only one who slept without a bra on, but I'm actually in the majority. I love my pyjamas to be slouchy and soft so why would I want a figure hugging cotton mix constraining me at night? What I don't like is caging myself in moulded cups and an underwire. I just hate the feel of something clinging to me.

Wear a Bralette

It's better than nothing and I've found that sometimes, on a good day I can lounge in them. There's so much variety in bralettes and in recent years they've become a bit of a fashion statement with people wearing them as outerwear. I like to wear my bright green lace bralette with an off-the-shoulder top during the spring. I never have to worry about hiding my bra strap.

They don't provide as much support as a regular bra but at the same time I don't always catch myself holding my boobs all the way down the stairs. I've done this so much that I often forget I'm doing it, even in public.

Try a Soft Cup

Otherwise known as 'lightly lined' in many shops and are usually wireless. Ever had that, my - boobs - can't - breathe feeling? Don't get me started on sweltering in the summer. These are usually made from cotton and are very lightly padded.

Go Wireless - or invisible wires

Those wires can be notorious. They can sometimes cause bruising to the breast tissue. If a soft cup won't do you and you really need the support of a wire try Gossard's invisible wire. I recently discovered the popular brand and had one of those 'where have you been hiding all this time' moments as I jumped up and down in front of the mirror - obviously to test the 'shock resistance'. The brand have a line with what they call 'wireless technology' without compromising on the wired support. They have a slightly larger and thicker underband. I bought the push up and it's really smoothing under a t-shirt.

Victoria's Secret 'Body' Collection

Had to give the glamorous brand a section all to itself and quite deservingly so. Victoria's Secret's Body Collection is stunning and unbelievably comfortable.

I've never felt fabric quite like it. They have a weightless, buttery, barely-there feel to them. They even have wired, softly wired (very bendy wire) and non-wired options.

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If you've been reading for a while you will know how I am about beauty hypes. I just never succumb and when I do I'm the last one to have jumped on the bandwagon. I'm a very skeptical creature and one that does not like to follow the crowd.

I've collated eight drugstore make up must haves. Half of them are actually influenced by beauty hypes that I've only recently fallen for and the other half discovered by myself browsing the drugstore. I have to say that I am quite proud of my findings and I'm glad I waited this long. In today's post you'll see the four products that are relatively new or have not received the limelight they deserve.

Left Clockwise: Collection Lip Pencil - 4 Pink, MUA Peel Off Polish, Collection Eyebrow Kit, Collection Fast Stroke Eyeliner

I'm excited to bring you the must-haves that haven't been talked about so much and which I think really should be because they are pretty awesome. Starting with the Collection Work The Colour Eyebrow Kit. Now, I haven't been too keen on the other products in their Work The Colour range but this is truly a gem of a product. I've been through various brow gels and powders that are either too overpowering even with a light hand or just do nothing. I am the girl who ends up lazily applying dark brown eyeshadow to my brows but this nifty product has been a joy to use.

Collection Work The Colour Eyebrow Kit comes with brow brushes

I use the angled side of the brush to fill in the outline and edges of my brows using the medium brown and then the other side to fill in areas I want to go darker with. This way I have full control over how much product goes on. Then, push back the stray hairs with the clear gel. This is a great product for those starting out with their brows or a perfectionist like me.

Swatched

Next up is an eyeliner that I've overlooked time and time again for a slightly pricier option like the Benefit Push Up Liner and my usual Bourjois Felt-tip Liner. I like an easy liner and thought that the Collection Fast Stroke Eyeliner would be a cheaper way to experiment my hand with liquid liner. The not so thin and slightly stiff applicator makes a shaky hand's application a breeze. I will be sticking to this for when I'm wearing dramatic eyeshadow.

Swatches show three strikes of one coat

Did anyone know that Collection also have neglected lip liners? There's only a few in the range but I was prompted to try this as Superdrug were doing 3 for 2 across selected Collection cosmetics, grab the deal here.

As lip liners go, this is surprisingly moisturising and very pigmented without compromising moisture. The colour melts onto your lips easily and has beautiful bright pink staying power. I love using lip liners as lipstick and this makes a perfect all day wear.

MUA Peel Off Polish Basecoat is perfect for glitter nail polish

Need I say why this is amazing? We all know how stubborn glitter nail polish is during removal but this product makes the whole removal process as easy as peeling a banana. It's simply what it states, it's a peel off polish.

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Mulberry, Dior and Tiffany&Co, are labels really everything?

I've shelled out on my fair share of shoes, bags and more shoes all in the name of 'but it's an investment' only to have only worn said investment once or never and that once was in my back garden feeling fabulous. In recent years I've been good with my money, okay okay not with my money, but with buying wisely. So good in fact that I buy wisely a bit too much.

With that being said, an investment piece does not always come in the form of a bag, coat, dress or shoes either. Who said they had to be staple items? They don't come in blacks, greys, navys and nudes either. They also don't have to break the bank!

Comfort & Confidence

This comes before anything else and the two that distinguish whether I wear the piece often. Try it on, dance in it. Think about the events you will wear it to and whether it capsules with the rest of your wardrobe. For example, bright blue shoes will be no good if you don't already have a few outfits that will go with it. Do you keep tugging at the hem? Pulling the neckline up so too much cleavage isn't showing? Do you have to breathe in and squeeze into it? If you answered 'yes' to any of those, then no, you're neither comfortable nor confident in it.

Durability

Price does not determine durability. Surely, the higher the price the better the quality? Same goes with established brands. I've had £109.99 DKNY shoes that did not stand a chance against my humble £45 Clarks wedges. With that being said, brand does not also mean quality. Sure Clarks have been around for hundreds of years as well as other household names but even they can slip up on quality. Feel around the garment, check shoe or bag clasps. Will it outlive snagging and tugs? If the care label has further maintenance information, can you take care of it?

Thickness and heaviness does not constitute to durability. I cringe at fashion bloggers and vloggers who justify spending a lot of money on a blouse because it is made out of really thick polyester. I've owned delicate fabrics that have stood the test of time.

Short Term Passion or Marriage?

A short term passion? Well that's either one wear or nothing at all. So how do I determine whether there will be wedding bells? Think about whether cheaper alternatives fit the bill or whether you could do without it. Leave the shop. Sleep on it. I've often found myself dreaming about the dress I left behind two days ago and that's sure sign of love.

I have made it a shopping challenge to only buy clothes that make me go 'wow'. I have adopted this method so well that I'm very hard to please. I now find myself dreaming up styles and cuts that don't even exist, browsing niche fashion sites or design my own clothes!

You've only married the item when you're convinced you will never find anything as beautiful, figure loving and comfortable. Sounds like a perfect husband to me. I still have a pair jeans I can't let go of since I was 16 (22 now) because after every wash they come out like brand new jeans. I've never found anything quite like it since. By the way, they were New Look and cost me only £22.99.

Price Per Wear

Price-per-wear doesn't count for much to me personally but it is definitely something you could use to determine whether it's worth spending a lot of money on an item. Price per wear is a widely used fashion jargon to determine whether you have worn your money's worth out of the item. Say you bought a £100 dress and you wore it five times. That's £20 per wear. For me personally, it's a rocky marriage.

Wishlists aren't just for Christmas!

Add the items you're lusting after to a wishlist, or snap a photo at the store. A month later you will find you no longer want them. I use The Greedy Book, it's a perfect way to have everything you love all in one place and you can even buy direct from the site. You can also install it to your browser bookmark so that whenever you're feeling greedy you can add the product to your greedy book with one simple click. Share your wishlists with friends and family so they know what to get you for birthdays.

What are some of your favourite investment pieces?

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10 January marked one year of video making fun. Why did I put myself on the internet? Candid blogging is one thing, but videos too? Letting strangers into recesses of my bedroom, my things, my thoughts. Here are nine things I wish I knew before I started.

Be open

I've learnt to be open and let my viewers in. This is how you build a community and people will love to watch you. We love hearing other people's stories.

Editing. Editing. Editing.

All you need to learn to do is cut clips and put them together and there are so many tutorials online on this. Take your time. Cameras, sound effects and lighting may at first seem overwhelming but within weeks you'll be surprised about what you can learn.

Find your niche

My channel begun as a fashion channel but now it's taken a different direction into personal growth, intentional living and minimalism. Don't go in with a genre-specific username unless you're very sure you will keep to that genre. Your name becomes your brand and what people remember you by. If your username is MaliaMusic people will associate you with music.

You don't need a Mac

You can't scroll past an Instagram photo without an apple product being decorated in a flat lay. You don't need to shell out on a £1000 laptop just for its editing software. I know people who use Windows Movie Maker and have a successful YouTube channel.

It's not about how you look

I never click back to my older videos, even some recent ones because a) I hate listening to the sound of my own voice b) I will criticise and pick at myself non-stop. How I look, what I'm wearing. There have been times, and still are times when I log into YouTube determined to take a particular video down and get distracted by the notification bar with a new comment.

You Don't Have to Tell Anyone

I worry about what people think of me often, yes this is coming from a blogger who voluntarily chooses to put her life online. I worried more so what my friends and family would think bu as soon as I started I couldn't wait to share my videos with everyone.

It's Not That Hard

It really isn't. Your first video will be hard. Awkward to be accurate, but it gets easier. You soon find your own rhythm.

I hope this post has helped some of you who are thinking of starting your own channel. You can visit my channel here.

Have no expectations

I dived into YouTube with hopes, expectations, excitement and fears. I expected certain videos to drive a lot of views while others I thought nothing of. Every single one of my expectations were turned around. You just never know what people will love. I know it's hard not to overthink, but upload your first video with the least amount of expectations and presumptions.

You don't need an expensive camera

Practise talking to the camera and watch yourself back a few times. Use your phone or laptop, don't invest in anything expensive as YouTube may end up not being your thing.

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I didn't want to round up my 2014 highlights (because I could do it in my personal journal). I didn't want to round up the fashion trends or beauty favourites (because you could get that anywhere). Though saying that, I can't wait to post about my ultimate beauty faves of 2014 tomorrow.

Neither am I going to list up my new years resolutions. Instead, I'm going to show you fail-proof ways to keep your new years resolutions. I'm writing this on new years eve but you will get it before Blue Monday, I promise you!

Before you seek to rigidly keep to your resolutions think about how you will keep them and why your previous resolutions have failed in the past.

How?

Example
Resolution: To lose weight
How: Going to the gym every week (er, really?)

Ask yourself, is this realistic? If not, change it to 'Eat healthier and walk to dog more often'. Give yourself attainable baby steps so that you can later hit it up at the gym. It's easy to get caught up in the new year flush and make extravagant resolutions you won't keep or don't actually want to.

If you're not sure, give yourself alternative routes to achieve this goal so that if you don't achieve one you can try out another without breaking your resolution. Here's a few suggestions for thought...

- Fitness apps like Pump Up and get motivated by real people.
- #InstaFood #HealthyFood on Instagram. Instagram is down with the foodies. Didn't you know? Get in with the times!
- Watch FREE workout videos on YouTube. Blogilates, FitnessBlender...oh and there are so many more. What better way than to waste away your gym membership and feel bluer on Blue Monday.

Leave a comment below, or tweet if you'd like help on finding your 'alternative routes'. I love it when readers get back to me about my posts. I've even received a phone call from a recruiter who enjoyed my blog!

Pause. Reflect. Rethink.

The approach to a new year is not only an opportunity to try out new things, it's also a chance to reflect on the year that has gone by. What have you achieved? If so, how? What haven't you achieved and why? Always ask yourself these questions but don't agonise over the things you haven't done.

I'm going to get a bit personal here and share my year's reflection with you. I resolved to keep a Jar of Dreams in 2014. I'm so proud of how many 'dreams' I fulfilled this year. Although, there are a few I didn't (below). Let me walk you through them.

Failed Dream #1 Take an early morning walk
Failed Dream #2 Be adventurous with my hair
Failed Dream #3 Write more poems
Almost Failed Dream #3 Paint

Although they seem like non-self-improvement resolutions, each of them were based on self-improvement. I wanted to take an early morning walk because I needed time out, some peace from this always alert technological world. I wanted to be adventurous with my hair because looking glam makes me feel good about myself and I really needed that. I wanted to get back into poetry and paint more as a rebellion to my stressful year at Uni but I painted less.

If you haven't kept your resolutions, resolve to do them differently this time. Give things a twist. It's amazing how things look and feel much better at a different angle.

My 2015 Resolutions

#1 Attempt to start my own business (sneak peak this way)

#2 Buy more experiences than material things because memories of a holiday are better than a new car (who said money can't buy happiness?)

#3 Focus on being productive instead of busy (the work, work, work attitude is damaging)

#4 Don't seek to control my life (list writing is ok, but "pain demands to be felt" - TFIOS, John Green)
I spent a lot of time trying to be happier, fixing inevitable disasters and making compromises for things that just went bust. It felt like a race I was never going to win. I'm becoming more of a free spirit this year. Instead of fighting or fixing inevitable situations, I'm accepting that they happen sometimes and then brushing them off without a second thought.

#5 Resolve to do one thing everyday that I fear (things we fear are often things that we really should do)

#6 Expand this blog (more readers, guest posting & google hangout with YOU, find out more here)

#7 Get techy & crafty
Designing this blog was my biggest leap in 2014. I'm opening an online shop where I sell handmade canvases and digital icons.

#8 Pick up a new hobby
Yes writing, painting and filming are my loves but I want to take the opportunity of a fresh new year to become obsessed with something else.

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Pages

Love

Me

Friends

My Mother

Love & Appreciation

Peace

Be a child again

Why you'll never see your friends again

"I'm too busy."

Spontaneity Works

Here's How

First Impressions - Packaging, Look, Scent, Texture

On My Face

Off My Face - Mask & Peel? What Peel?

Activities I cannot participate in WITHOUT a bra on:

Activities I cannot participate in WITH a bra on:

Wear a Bralette

Try a Soft Cup

Go Wireless - or invisible wires

Victoria's Secret 'Body' Collection

Comfort & Confidence

Durability

Short Term Passion or Marriage?

Price Per Wear

Wishlists aren't just for Christmas!

Be open

Editing. Editing. Editing.

Find your niche

You don't need a Mac

It's not about how you look

You Don't Have to Tell Anyone

It's Not That Hard

Have no expectations

You don't need an expensive camera

How?

Pause. Reflect. Rethink.

My 2015 Resolutions

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