What I Learnt From My Teenage Diaries

by - October 25, 2015


I had more crushes than I could count. And each and every one of them felt like 'love'. Whatever I thought it was at the time was intensified x10. In fact, everything is intensified x10, every aspect of those teenage years.

One particular crush stands out more than others. It was a crush on a teacher that lasted three years and I cringe reading any further. Sifting past some more of the ripped out pages, I go into detail about how his brush past the whiteboard made me feel. How thoughts of him distracted me through final exams. How just seeing him made my entire week. As I am consumed in the passionate mind of that fifteen year old girl I begin to take her seriously. I understand even why I came to think that I was in love and just how much that crush really crushed me. 


I sound obnoxious and self-centred. As I read back on a lot of pointless gossip and secrets (oh the secrets!), I feel guilty, as if I'm turning the pages of someone else's diary. I realise how much I have changed as a person, about the way I think, my beliefs and values. The full extent of my naivety is exposed in written words. I kept having to remind myself that these thoughts here in this diary are mine. They were once real and raw. 


You know how I said everything is intensified x10? It gets better here. People seem to matter, what they think, what they say, and even do. I worried a lot about the clothes I was wearing and what people would think. If someone said that I shouldn't do my hair this way or that, I wouldn't. And if all the girls were doing it, I should have to be doing it.

I spent most of my time reading my diary thinking about how carefree I could have been. About how much I worried about nothing compared to the worry-worthy problems I have now as an adult. I spent so much time worrying about how untrendy I would look with the fur coat I ended up slashing with a knife. It was as if I lived with two extreme emotions: I either hated everything or loved everything with so much zeal. 

My Mother

My mother is touched upon a lot and I realise just how much our relationship has changed. I'm now able to understand my mother's side of the argument to the point that I found myself mentally arguing with my teenage outpourings. 

A funny thing I realise is how our roles have reversed. My mum can no longer tell me that I can't stay out late. Now it's me giving my mum advice and even telling her what not to do.

This piece was inspired by an article I read on the Huffington post about a teacher who asks his students to write a letter to themselves in 20 years time. The teacher then posts these letters to them 20 years later. The results are beautiful.

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Photo Credit: Where's My Bubble

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